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University Reporter - Intelligencer, Volume 1, Number 24

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Creator: Crying Out For Help, Inc
Subjects: Administration, People, Faculty, Students, Campus
Description: Major stories:
Ollie North
Editorials
Viewer Mail
Dr. Andrew Barclay
Out and About
Reviews - "The Guardian"
Entertainment - Illustrator "Somewhere in the World", The Holy Cows
Date: May 9, 1990
Format: Text/pdf
Original Format: Broadside
Resource Identifier: A006362.pdf
Collection Number: Serial 990
Language: English
Rights Management: Educational use only, no other permissions given. Copyright to this resource is held by Michigan State University and is provided here for educational purposes only. It may not be reproduced or distributed in any format without written permission of the University Archives & Historical Collections, Michigan State University.
Contributing Institution: University Archives & Historical Collections
Relation: Serial 990
Text File: Download (16.23 MB)
Transcript: Where do you hear about local music first? Here of course... p. 9-12
9
May
1990
Vol. I
No. 24
MSU's alternative
·and truly
inde endent voice
What's shakin' :
Our columnists set
you write
Elrick, McWilliams roll. p. 6
o Find out what's Op: ...
o Readers become writers ...
o Dr. Sex and the Provoc rock ...
oout & About gets you hip ...
oNo room at The Clydesdale ...
o Entertainment begins ...
p.4
p.5
p. 7
p.8
p.8
p.9
Great Issues Director Patrick
Bryant protests Oliver North's visit
to campus, while Todd Shafer of
MSU Republicans cheers North,
who appeared as a paid speaker for
GOP Senate hopeful Clark Durant
8b0tt photo, standing). · uR-1
photos/MATTHEW GOEBEL (I.) and
FREDDY SPADAFORA (above)
Students protest North visit. Appearance surprise to most
BY MRIAM S..rrH
uR-1 SENOR. CORRESPONDENT
Oliver North's appearance on
campus last week was the equivalent
of a common street criminal receiving
adulation for peddling drugs - at
least that's what Ezra Hyland thinks.
Hyland, adviser to the AfricanAmerican.
student group As One, said
North's involvement in the Iran-Contra
scandal is proof he is no hero.
"I don't see any difference between
him and some rapist on campus,
or some common street pusher,·
he said.
Hyland said he finds it ironic that
so much controversy surrounded
Minister Louis Farrakhan before fiis
February speech on campus. But
when North came to town as a paid
speaker for GOP politician Clark
Durant, he noted, little opposition was
shown, despite that the former marine
was convided of lying before Congress
about the Reagan
Administration's secret arms trade for
hostages with Iran.
"All the issues with Farrakhan
See PROTEST, p. 2
BY SAN>t BARGAS
ANO TIM LEPHEW
UR-I ISSUES CORRESPONDENTS
Despite the controversy surrounding
Oliver North's recent visit to MSU,
most MSU students said they didn't
know he was coming.
According to an informal, man-onthe-
street uR-1 survey of 52 students
throughout campus, more than half
did not know North was coming to
MSU to speak. The uR-1 conducted
the survey two days before North's
scheduled appearance at the MSU
Auditorium May 5.
While opinions about North varied .
from person to person, less than onethira
of those surveyed opposed his
visit to MSU. Most believed that
despite their personal opinions of the
infamous lieutenant colonel, he had a
right to speak on campus.
Dave Shunkweiler, a marketing
sophomore, believes it is important for
student.s to hear North's version of the
role he played in the Iran-Contra
scandal, which revolved around the
Reagan Administration's secret arms
see SURVEY, p. 2
2 01/ie: co~?ifge.~ ~o.ntinu.es inside !)n .The Second Fr• un1vers1 y eporter-lntelligencer 9 Ma 1990
From PROTEST, p.1
were speculation ... There's been
no trial," he said. "But the man
(North) has been convicted of
being a criminal.
"There are people paying the
man money · ... That's disgusting."
Patty Fedewa, president of
MSU Democrats, agrees, saying
North belongs behind bars.
"I think it's a shame he's going
around speaking when he should
be in jail," Fedewa said. "If any
person who wasn't as high up in
government had done what he
had, they would have been in jail."
Fedewa is astounded that
North is being received as a hero
while making public appearances
throughout the country. She
believes that this is a sad reflection
of American society.
Darius Peyton - spokesman
for the recent State News walkout
and last year's eight-day, minority
sit-in at the Administration Building
- said though he personally does
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not support North, he supports his
right to speak.
"Do I support him at all or
anyone he endorses? No,"
Peyton said .. but added North "has
the constitutional right to come .
and speak on campus. "Kietha
Biggers, a member of Women's
Studies Student Voice, said
North's appearance on campus
"stinks."
"I was disapppointed he hadn't
caused more of an uproar," said
Biggers, a psychology senior.
Hyland echoed this sentiment,
saying he was disappointed that
students had not raised more of a
furor over North's appearance
before he arrived on campus.
"I think it's unfortunate that
students weren't in the front demanding
that his record be
shown," he said.
Bagel Fragefueli.
This Week's Question:
What are you going to do
for your mother this
Mother's day?
a. Take her to Sensations for a
rap music summit .
b. Buy her some flowers from
the stand outside Jacobson's.
c. Take her to lunch at the
always fabulous Bagel Frage1.
d. Mother? What Mother?
r 1i4 Tb-:-c~ ii~f"'
: Sandwich, :
I fragel, 1
I medium pop, and ·1
I bagel chips I
: $3.85 :
t exp. May 15,1990 I r'-------------------"-,' 1 2 Fragels, 1
I & I
: Small :
: Regular Coffee . :
: $1.00 I
M
. I
\.. - ~~ - 2 l.5.:..1.2?.£. _ J
From SURVEY' p. 1
trade for hostages with Iran.
"It is important for the population
of MSU to hear North's story,"
Shunkweiler said. " ... as it is a
reflection of the contemporary
state of the political workings of
the executive branch of the government
of the United States."
Jen Broxton, a journalism ·
freshman, agrees.
"I followed the trial, and I think
it would be interesting to hear
what he. says," she said.
Advertising freshman Koeena
Rihm believes North expects too
much of the American public.
"(North) thinks Americans ·
should love him, but they don't,"
Rihm said.
Some students accused North
of being sexist and did not know
the purpose of his visit. Others
praised his efforts. And there
were those who felt sorry for him.
"I don't perceive him as totally
a hero or an underdog," said Patty
Lulgjuraj, a business sophomore.
"I have sympathy for him 'cause
he's the fall guy.
"He took the fall for everyone,
meaning the Reagan administration."
·
Freshman Mark Simpson
shares these sentiments.
"Yeah, (North) did what he was
told," Simpson said.
But not all agree with North's
actions, nor do they consider him
a hero.
"Any hero wouldn't let a movie
· about himself be put on national
television," said freshman Jeff
Mowry. "The only reason he
became a public figure is because
people like a scandal."
the university Reporter-Intelligencer . Page Three
The· Second Front Page .
. · uR-1 photo/MATTHEW GOEBEL Before the Contra-versy
Everything you wanted to know about Ollie North
BY TIM S ILVERTHORN
uR-1 rssues CoRFESPONOENT
To some, he's a national hero who
put his reputation on the line for his
country.
To others, he's a lying criminal
who belongs behind bars.
Oliver North is best known to the
American public through his role in the
Iran-Contra scandal, for which he has
been both praised and criticized. His
involvement in the Reagan
Administration's secret arms trade
with Iran for hostages four years ago
sparked international attention.
But aside from North's role in the
scandal, Americans know little about
the public figure whose name has
spilled onto the front pages of newspapers
nationwide, and last weekend
swept through Michigan as a paid
political speaker who has endorsed
Clark Durant, a conservative Republican
making a bid for that party's U.S.
Senate nomination.
So who is Oliver North?
Oliver Lawrence North was born
October 7, 1943, in San Antonio,
Texas. to Oliver Clay North, a woolcombing
businessman, and Ann
North, a substitute teacher.
In 1968, he married Betsy Stuart.
Today they have four children.
North's boyhood nickname was
·~arry, • and he was known to most as
the "Huck Finn type who was polite to
adults and served as an altar boy
through high school but did not
hesitate to leap off railroad bridges on
a dare:
, In high school, North was a
member of the chess club and track
team. His senior year, his classmates
voted him "most courteous" and "best
looking:
An English and education major,
North attended the state University of
New York College at Brockport while
planning a military career.
A friend of North's father helped
him get into the U.S. Naval Academy
in Annapolis, Md. Shortly after, in
February 1964, he was in a serious
car accident that left him with an
injured back and kne~.
North's self-rehabilitation regimen
for his injuries has been described as
"Oraconian• - a method that involved
repeatedly leaping off his family's 6-
foot-high garage. This rehabilitation
method proved successful.
After marrying in 1968, also the
year he completed officer's school,
North spent 11 months as a platoon
commander in Vietnam._ He was
decorated four times - two purple
hearts and the nation's third and
fourth highest combat medals.
North later taught basic officer's
tactics courses from 1969-73. As an
instructor, he was known for once
interrupting his own lecture by firing
blanks at his class from an M-16 rifle.
In 1974, North checked into a
naval hospital for mental exhaustion
from supervising jungle training and
spent four years in a staff non-training
position.
In 1980, North attended the Naval
War College in Newport, RI. After
impressing Naval Secretary John
Lehman with a paper about the uses
of a modem battleship, he was
assigned to the National Security
Council's Defense Policy Staff.
This move, according to Washington
insiders, is when North attained
politlca.I power.
North's role in Iran-Contra
scandal
North was given wide authority to
assemble covert action and used it to
support the C'ontras (Nicaraguan
Rebels) after Congress cut off funding
against former President Reagans'
wishes in 1983.
According to a June.15, 1987
issue of Time Magazine, "North
reached into the shadowy world of
former spooks (spies) and oddball
operatives who were pressed into
service as the ca.use demanded:
In 1984, Iranian arms operative
Manucher Ghorbanifar proposed
swapping money from arms sales for
hostages in Lebanon and offered
North a $1 -million bribe, which North
refused. Ghorbanifar then proposed
sending the money to the Contras
instead - a deal that was approved
by National Security Adviser John
Poindexter in a meeting approved by
Reagan in writing.
In overseeing the operation, North
used a Swiss bank account to divert
funds, undetected, to the Contras as
well as pocket thousands of dollars for
his own home security system.
North shredded all Iran-Contra
documents in November 1986 and
invoked the Fifth Amendment to most
questions from Congress in testimony
given in December 1986.
Reagan said of North: "He is a
national hero. My only criticism is that
I wasn't told everything:
North worked up to 17-hour days
at the NSC, where his work involved
counter-insurgency activities.
In 1985, North helped organize a
CIA program for a Lebanese hit team
- which mistakenly blew up an
apartment building next to the house
of two suspected terrorists killing 80.
North also, without Pentagon
approval, unsuccessfully tried to ,
persuade Egypt to participate in a joint
invasion of Libya. North was involved
in the 1986 U.S. bombing of Libya and
also the planning of the Grenada
invasion.
- In formal.ion for lhis report was obtained from
the following sources: Conlemporary Newsmakers,
1987 ~
Time Magazine, June 15, 1987
. New Y ork.1imes. Bi0,.~sr:~ .. Jll/y, _~7 , . _ :- : •.
uR-1 photos/MATTHEW GOEBEL
God Bless you,-Ollie North, you S.O.B.
An egotistical maverick obssessed
with subterfuge and lies.
A flagrant violator of the Boland
Amendment, who shipped
arms to a dirty war.
A flat out liar, who arrogantly
misled the U.S. Congress and
American people.
A man who said he would take
the fall for his president and
superiors, all the while implicating
them and making them the scapegoats
for his twisted missions.
A convicted f el~n. who is giv~n
a suspended sentence and allowed
to tour the country to speak
to thousands about his crimes and
misguided patriotism - for which
he receives about $25,000 a pop.
A man who sells his political
endorsement to the highest bidders
- in Michigan, GOP Republican
Senate nomination hopeful
Clark Durant, who- is himself a
twisted right-wing zealot.
This is a hero?!
America can do better ... like
those guys that bludgeon the baby
seals or something.
No, Ollie is no hero and any~
one who tells you so better quit ·
eating their Wonder Bread and
wearing their rose colored contact
lenses.
He is a plain, cheap, carpetbagging
opportunist. If he is a
felon who can avoid prison, why
not the misled individuals on Wall
Street who are facing long terms
behind bars?
After all, they were only practicing
what is as dear to American
hearts as apple pie, hot dogs and
brain-dead Presidents:
CAPITALISM!
God save America
_:._ somebody better!
the
university
Reporter-Intelligencer
9May1990
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9 Ma 1990 university Reporter-Intelligencer • 5
Wake up, people!
Dear uR-1:
I live in East Holden Hall: It is
starting to drive me INSANE. You
see, I am surrounded by many
materialistic, judgemental women. I
am a 20-year-old woman who wants
all you people out there to realize that .
trying to fill the gaps with material
possessions and irrelevant gossip will
not get you anywhere. Don't conform
to meager, traditional behavior. Be
yourself.
Sincerely,
Krista Lanckton,
History Major
Andre checks in
I believe the main problem of the
public schools' failure to motivate
young blacks to learn is because they
fail to teach them the knowledge of
self. And even when they do teach
b\ac\I. h\s\ory, 01\en the complete story
isn't told. black kids have to feel that
they are a part of education in order
for them to appreciate leaning.
Let me give you an example of
what I mean: Say I went to China to
be a teacher to the chinese people,
and all the books I gave them had
only pictures of African people, and all
I talked about as African civilizatin.
How long would they stand and
appreciate this education? I think for
only a couple of seconds. But black
pe0ple have stood this for 400 plus
years.
Here is another example, but this
one is true: When I was taught about
slavery in school, I felt sad and
Inferior. When my white classmate
busted out laughing while my black
teacher taught us about black history,
I felt hurt. I said to myself, • what the
hell is he laughing for?" I felt lower
than low when my white teacher
stated the fact that our own people
sold us into slavery. I would of felt ·
better if my teachers would have told
me the real and complete story on
slavery.
In 1690, Virginia passed a law
forbidding negroes from buying white
people. This was 51 years after the
Black man had arrived in chains. The
same law was repeated in 1748. Free
blacks bought white people in such
numbers in Louisiana that the state
passed a similar law in 1818.
The point is that white and blacks
were slaves in America. The second
point is to tell the truth about any
history you are teaching.
I find many people and teachers
saying that slavery wasn't all that bad,
and that it actually did black people a
favor by civilizing them away from
their savagery. Slavery was and is
wrong. I say this ~use many of us
are still psychologically in bondage.
Think about it.
- Andre Austin
Austin, who writes frequently
to the uR-1, has several letters
in our files. They will appear
over the next several weeks of
this term, as space allows.
WE PRINT EVERYT 'NG
WE RECEIVE
Ollie, Ollie, Ollie.
Where's Kukla and Fran -your intellectual equivalents. Oops, sorry, they have more scruples than you.
And they're puppets! .
Sorry, again, we almost forgot you were, too.
All these reasons result in what we've been leading up to and why the above title is under your picture and
above this eloquent diatribe -you've procured (leg'!llY) Geek o' the Week dishonors.
What a hero.
So you lied and now you're getting paid for it. Fooled the judges and the Congress. Ripped us all off and broke
our laws and got away with it. ·
And yet, millions love you.
Hey, who're th~ real geeks anyhow ...
. . . - . .. ~ . . .. . . . . . .....
·university Reporter-Intelligencer 9 May 1990
M.L.
Elrick
Hugging a retarded person
doesn't make you nice.
Well, sorry to shatter the
illusion Grecians, but for some
reason only one short week of the
long year finds you with a sudden,
phony, nauseating desire to try
and be a truly good .soul.
A soul who cares for others.
A soul willing to strut that extra
mile across campus in a clown
suit.
Although it is funn y to see
dozens of Greek clowns pile out of
a little firetruck Spree to made the
kiddies laugh, it just doesn't
instantly elevate you to sainthood
for being nice one day out of the
year.
It ain't so, Joe, er, Biff.
Afterall, can one week make
up for a whole year of being a
cretin?
Let's face it, a pair of size
18EEE Bass Weeguns and a
Gucci clown suit don't quite wipe
away 51 weeks and five days of
Ralph Lauren, plaid corduroy golf
caps and socks with little horseys.
on them.
So, you're helping make a kid
It takes more than one day
to make a real saint, Biff
happy. Granted, that's honorable,
and we could all do a little more to
make the world a little nicer, but
for any other week of the year
would you take time out for anyone
but yourself or your highpriced
"brothers" or "sisters?"
Honestly, would you let. Rainman
wear your letters?
"Most certainly, you pernicious
snit," Kip replies as he cuts out the
picture of himself in the full-color,
Greek-paid for, Greek-made
tabloid of himself and his "family"
doing good for the little people.
OK, so just what would become
of Dustin Hoffman's Raymond
Babbit if, for example, he
was a legacy and you just had to
let him in your house?
Within three days he'd be .at
the Cincinnati K-Mart with Charley
Babbit, admonishing Charley for
looking at something that was
"Definitely · not Polo, definitely not."
He'd probably note the occassion
in the "Gauche Things Done
To Me and Other Social Faux Pas
I've Endured" notebook he would .
start carrying around.
You know, the one with garish
plaid cover and letters emblazoned
across it reminding him
what characters to scratch in the ·
top of every desk he'll ever sit in at
Michigan State.
Then, he'll start shouting:
"Four minutes 'til Happy Hour at
P.T.'s, four minutes. Definitely
can't miss Happy Hour at P.T.'s.
Definitely not."
Yeech. Just what is it with you
androids? Do you think you can
glom some humanity off another
being? And if you're really so pure
of heart and mind, why the hell do
you publish a tabloid rife your
slobbering pictures? To prove that
you're all nice fellahs?
Or are you just trying in your
overstated way to say: "Love me, I
do good for those lower than
myself!"
Ever consider doing a good
deed for the sake of doing a good
deed? ·
What a ghastly concept!
OK, we'll take a quantum step
back from reality and concede that
Biff, Skip, Mutty, and That-ChickWith-
The-Scabs-On-Her-Knees
are nice people and are doing
something nice this week for the
intrinsic value of the act.
Nevermind that the cameras
are clicking, the dumb oxes
funnelating; AGDs Sliming In
(appropriately); the Greeks Gaming
(probably at Monopoly); or the
KKGs (sounds like KKK) Pictionary
challenging ("See, Binkster,
that's a drawing of a peasant;
peas + my Great Aunt Rebecca,
who was really related to royalty.").
The question then becomes:
"Great, Mimsy and Chad, what
have you done lately to make the
world a better place?"
Aren't those gallons of Polo
(worn at once) a defoliant similar
to Agent Orange?
Doesn't that hairspray deplete
the ozone - and aren't you, in
fact, a member of that atmospheric
region?
Loud silence.
But it is not fair to criticize
without offering solutions.
Rather than advocate the
obvious and popular choice -
Greek eradication - how about
maintaining, on a daily basis, the
massive effort and organization
apparently reserved for Greek
Week?
Instead of throwing up in the
streets of East Lansing, try recycling.
· Instead of rousing neighbors
with booming versions of "Louie,
Louie," sing for disadvantaged ·
children. ·
Instead of stealing each
other's underwear, donate some
clothes to the homeless.
Why wait for one special day
to help kids who need all the love
and care they can get?
Help them not just to show us
how wonderful you are, but be~
cause it's the right thing to do.
Remember, people are an end
- not a means to one.
--- Elrick designs the uR-1.
His house is fottifisd.
police, FBI, CIA, and armed forces exist to
back up Big Brother.) We're not supposed to
be their slaves. They are supposed to listen to
us! And why do we have to protect our Constitutional
rights, when the function of the government
is to protect them for us? I certainly don't
want to deny anyone their rights. Do you? .
It's actually a simple process. The engine
is power-hungry politicians, and the fuel is
special interest groups.
Government takes one marble from everyone.
That special interst group calms down, since
they got what they wanted. Now some other
special interst group has some disadvantage,
so antoher law is passed, and yet another
marble is lost. Anyone who has read 1984, or
Animal Farm can easily envision the logical
extensin of this process. We all lose.
liom
. Let's symbolize all our rights as a pile of
marbles. And we all have the same number of
McWilliams them, since that is what Amercia is all about.
The first step in stopping this process is to
stop thinking of yourself as a memeber of a
group, and start standing up for what you are.
As human beings, we are all entiteld to certain
rights. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happi~
ness are the catch-phrases, but it boils down to
living with no source of external power, force,
or control influencing our decisions. Government
was built to safe-guard these rights. Now
it violates them.
Our Government, created to protect rights,
now removes them as a matter of normal
procedure. Houses, cars, food, clothes, energy,
work, school, and play, as well as just
about anyting you can think of, has some sort
of law or tax regulation or restriction of some
sort. How did the Government get all this
control over our lives? (And it is control. The
But some group realies that they have some
kind of disadvantage because of the circumstances,
(or they feel strongly about some
moral issue) and they band together and
appeal to the Government. The lawmakers
usually respond, because they are commited
to getting votes to keep their jobs and power.
However, they can only make laws, and laws
can only limit freedom, certainly not enchance
it.
That is the nature of government and laws.
- But in America, we all get equal rights, so the
9 990 university Reporter-Intelligencer • 7
Dr.Andrew
Barclay
Penis of
the mind
I always encourage readers to
write questions to me because that
way, I answer the questions and you
are not subject just to the ramblings of
a mad mind:
TOWIT,
MORE AND MORE WOMEN
ARE PLAIN FED UP WITH MEN
(Headline in the State Urinal)
The accompaning article describes
the outcome of a study .
commissioned by Philip Morris, USA,
(You've Come A Long Way, Baby) for
Virginia Slims. Would you believe that
54% of their sample agreed with:
"most men look at a woman and
immediately think how it would be to
go to bed with her?" I don't believe it,
myself. Only 54% ??? What the hell
were the other 46% thinking about?
I had to call Philip Morris USA just
to satisfy my curiosity. It turned out
42% responded: "they immediately
think of oral sex; and the other 4%
didn't know men thought at all. In this
case, we really DO have a HEAD
LINE, if you get my drift.
Well, that call really started the old
mental jui~ flowing, I had to read
more of the article, of course, and it's
drift was that women are increasingly
dissatisfied with men's sexism, and
that a much higher percentage of
women are dis5atisfied with men's
behavior compared with twenty years
ago when 41 % had agreed with the
above. I maintain that's because only
41 % were having sex with their
husbands and the rest weren'.t getting
any at all, so of course, they didn't
know.
In actual numbers of responses, I
calculate, 1,560 women were pissed
that the old man failed to help out with
household chores. I can't blame ·
them. · Dusting is the lowest form of
behavior known to man, but after I
dust, guys, I do a load of towels so I
have to use hot water in the washer
and vibrate my rocks off on the "spin"
cycle. Give it a shot...it's great getting
it off on a hot washer. For safety
rea5ons, I won't even mention what is
possible to do with a vacuum cleaner.
Strange how when I was young,
my father used to pound on the
bathroom door, asking what was
going on in there and now, Stephanie
bangs on the laundry room door.
History is repeating itself. Staph
keeps asking why we're the only
house on our block to have a lock on
the laundry room door.
Hey, I say a guy needs to be
alone when he is "communing· with
his laundry.
The laundry room is a rich trove of ,
sex toys when you know where to
look. I used to have a lot of trouble
getting it up for a second go-round
after one of those fabulous male
orgasms women are so jealous of. It
was ruining my career as the highestpaid
sexual slave in Lansing because
my crazy customers wanted more,
more, more while I was well on my
way to resembling a plate of spaghetti
with marinara clam sauce. Yes, men,
the laundry room solved all my
problems: Spray starch! Who would
have though it. Spray starch, a touchup
with a cool iron, and I was all ready
to go at it again. Women may love KY
jelly for those intimate encounters
but in a man's world, it's spray starch.
Most of the guys I showed the
column were somewhat bemused.
While they had the same questions I
did, they also responded to something,
I hadn't noticed. The people who
gave the survey said the real.difference
from twenty years agao was that
"today's independent woman exp0cts
more from men: Women reported
progress on the job front, equity in
· salary structure, and greater acceptance
as political leaders which ·
represent a fairly high standard of
achievement in formerly male-dominated
world. It shows how the goals
set by NOW some years agQ have
worked through the political process
and, in these important areas, men
and women have worked hard to
achieve equality. We also see
women's increased awareness of
irritating aspects of maleness or is it
masculinity? ·
It was exactly at this point in the ·
previous evolution of male·female
relations that S. Freud chewed on his
cigar and wondered, 'What is it that
women want?" What the hell, they
have half the money and all the pussy,
they have jobs, and the ability to bear
children, great bodies ... what the
HELL do women want??? If you have
ever taken Intro Psych, you know
what his answer was: Penis Envy,
they want Big Dicks. Actually, no one
was sure if it was women wh.o had it
or the Great Sigmund who, it appears,
wasn't very well-hung himself. But he
was Jewish and we know it doesn't
HELP men to cut 3/8 of an inch off the
end of the one-eyed worm. Penis
Envy is not a concept with which I'm
particularly comfortable.
Now, Vagina Envy ... there's an
idea ... too bad it isn't mine. Do you
think Philip Morris USA chose the
name Virginia (Virgin) Slims to pro-
. moate the idea of not haing sex and
smoking as a substitute for sex to help
· women stay slim? See, (Vagina)
Slims implies that smoking lets
women use those little teeny, ti my
tampons instead of the Super-Duper
Tampax which as an inserting tube
the size of a paper towel roller. A
cigarette company ad campaign
related to the recent spate of Anorexia?
The relationship is definitely
there. 60% of the women said
juggling jobs and families •put them
under a lot of stress: A (female) VP
at.PM USA said she attributed their
frustration to trying to be superwomen.
· There it is in an nutshell, if
you get my drift, the super-hero as a
role-model.
What nobody bothered to tell
these women (and I will) is that
Superman never got itron with Lois.
Well,. except in the movie, but t.hat
involved what we call the "willing
suspension of disbelief: ·
Male superheros never have sex,
maybe because they are so jockdum
b that they wear their underwear
on the outside of their costumes. Or,
in Superman's case, Lois simply
couldn't deal with the •Man of Steel.·
Bullets were known to bounce off it, if
you follow me, Lois was freaked out
that the Superstud couldn't get it
down. Talk about cutting through the
crap.
Women have already achieved
"penis of the min d; as I call it. By
moving into the formerly male-dominated
business world, women demon~
strata they are capable of acting more
like men than men are. The monster
increases of cardiovascular disease
among women is the best indicator of
how women have developed wellhung
minds. Many men have found
out that in the world of business, being ·
fucked-over by a woman hurts just as
much as when it is done by a man. I
love playing "Mina's bigger than
yours" with my female c:Ollegues, of
course we're discussing our vitae but
it is all the same thing.
SERIOUS POLITICAL
·STATEMENT: I would be remiss if I
did not remark on People's Park and
the events of twenty years ago, which
lead to the first People's Park being
established. The blood shed· by four
student martyrs in the cause of
freedom makes .the site of People's
See DOCSEX, p. 9
Mother's Day, Schmothers Day; jus~ kind
of flowers what do you get a petry dish?!
the
After a second thought, however, I muse, It sure doesn't make for a better paper, but it
"don't you scab nibblers have anything better to . sure does make our job a whole lot easier!
do than read this Iambic tempertameter .....
Well, I guess not, if you're still here. And that
convinces me you're just like Thomas Donaldson,
46, of Sunnyvale, CA, who wants his brain frozen.
At first consideration, one might think Tom Don
wants to emulate your catatonic state, but further
· ponderance reveals that he does want to be reanimated
later. (unlike you Cedar Pillage dwellers)
when doctors can cure his brain tumor.
And while we're on the subject of mismangement,
MSU, count John "1-Vant-To-Bite-YourTuition
· DiBiaggio who now says he'll meet with
George "We're-All-Brudders-ln-This-BrudderPerles.
Too bad these big babies can't make up their
mind on anything unless the media gets a hold of
their statements and holds their feet to the fire on
them.
As I look out upon you tHmlng masses of
persp/rers and admirers, I SH before me
leagun and leagun of fetering sores just
waiting to be swabbed by a petrol-soaked piece
of sandpaper.
Sounds like there ain't too much brain left to
save ...
. Speaking of no brains l~ft. it's good to see that
The State News has chosen to-for the second
straight year-choose an editor-in-chimp who has
not had any real professional experience.
Hell' I'm only five and I'm more mature than
either of them. Jeepres, getting straight talke from
George or John is like pulling teeth!
Hey, that's funny, wasn't one of those guys
once a dentist... ·
And that Is good. See MALCONTENT, p. 9.
..
OUT and ABOUT 14 Home Wreckers
15: No Right No Wrong
16:Bourgeoisie
' •• A..E ' •L I ' •• ' • I I1 1: W' ate•r 4 •the P 'o ol •• ' •• ' ·• A DETROIT
~ AST ANSING 12:MightyJoeYoung _illhrDoo"e
.-_.-...:..,,. 1211n...,_ 13 See 6 1 O May: Off Whidte Larey with Sublime Wedge
11<>1A11i11i)U ... iruu...... 14: Bad Oscar
11 -12 May: Woody Allen's Manhattan, $2, 7 pm, S. 15: Goober & the Peas .
Kedzie 16: The Chisel Bros.
Gir~Hl l(l)oo11
9-13 May: Uptown Band
14: Blue Avenue Delegates
15: Capitol City Band
16-20: Uptown Band
il{JcmlJllli)) CmiiM lidllll'ID@llD .
11 May: Going Public
IJ{(l'IHfll• £irll C.OOQll'
now-13 May: Images of an Idyllic Past: The photographs
of Edward S. Curtis
now-13: Masters of Fine Arts Exhibition
lLm:icil~mllt
11 -12 May: Wild Woody's
15: Jerry Sprague & the Juveniles
ll.~~llilllfl4111il\l~UO@ ~!lllww
now-May: photographs by Stephen Strom
~lllim "if'lillDl~~
9&12 May: La Traviata
Munn Field
12 May: R.H.A. Spring Concert:
The Hannibals
TheWayouts
Third Estate
Euro-K
The Silos
Royal Crescent Mob
!NltYJ@!m ~!YJllD11 May: Faculty Brass Quintet
!Rlll@lt'~
9 May: Third Estate
1 o: The Hannibals
THE CLYDESDALE
Sllllw11 hlllm Wcclll
now-13 May: Kody Lee
15-20: Subway ·
W.U.-gfFc11111DDJUlllclll Cl!llllw
12 May: African Culture, Festival dinner
W!Mlllil®llll C.!llllw
15 May: Faculty Chamber Concert
16: Sinead O'Connor.
16-19: A Chorus Line
AANNARBOR
'ii1bi £1,\/J'llt
9 May: Rich & Mo Del Grosso, Howard Armstrong &
Robert Jones
10: Claudia Schmidt & Sally Rogers
11: RFD Boys Benefit for the Center for Independent Living
12 Andrew Ratshin's Electric Bonsai Band
13: Patty Larkin, John Gorka, and Greg Brown
. 15-16:Betty
OODINI of/ hlJtil!IH
9-10 May: Ron Brooks Trio
11-12: Straight Ahead
13: Clark & Reed Jam Session fjazz musicians welcome)
14 Bird of Paradise Orchestra
15: Keller & Kocher Quartet
16-17: The Ron Brooks T;io
1Jlkl))D11100.'il'1llii8llll111 May: Little Feat
16:Zvuki Mu
~llislh"•
9 May: The Hannibals
10: The Silos
11 : Duke T umatoe
12 King David
flll•"•IXlll'f~.
11-12 May: Mazer & Smith Trio
IJ.llttlloo Oua!l1liair
12 May: Tina Ringo Starr
,,....~
11 May: The Grandmothers
12: Industrial Chaos
~JID!lc!k"•
11 May Little Reuben and the Motor City Players
12: The Rythem Kings ·
IN~~
10 May Burning Bridges with Black Mali
11 : Before or After
12: Beer On the Penguin with Meekness Lobster & Trust
Fund
lli>llll!Dwlllll"e (li>iln@
11 May: King David
12 : Messenjah with Black Folk Arts Dance Troupe
~~Db
11 May: Robin Trower
13:Savatage
IHD•HIJ' ~lh Ce~
10 May: Souvenir
hlli!P IXDllcMllll
11 May: Delta Rockers
12: Chicago Pete
ea. .&!Ml~1!i'Je
11 May: Lock-up with Reigndance & Mother Superior
12: Gangster Fun
18: Ernie Isley ·
•DD'(e
11 -12 May: Roy Rogers & the Delta Rhythm Kings
$-®CO~
~ p May: Goober & the Peas
by JONT
aJ4SP.\tE · 191 'r "IUJ"tai..
1lf'5 IS HIS ~fR,
~ I 'PVI 1HINI< WE CNI
~rrE SBRJflJ£
~''RJIZ (E1}£ tdm·.
( Wi4f EWR. WMWA
CLARIFY nte:
"BABlON• BIT.
9 Ma 1990 university Reporter-Intelligencer •
From ELSIE, p. 12
years?"
Well, they've been awfully busy.
They've been touring, hitting hot spots
like Chicago and New York's
CBGB's.
They've al8o been talking to a
representative of Arista Records.
Ahhough they don't believe a contract
is in the works, they said he's
helped them out a lot.
But how could they be so busy
that they can't come back to East
Lansing even once in two years?
'We've been writing a lot,· said
Mike Popovich. 'We've got half our
next album done and we've been
touring a lot.9
But John Popovich gave what
may be a more honest answer.
"The bars around here just don't
wanna have anything to do with us,·
he said. His brother Mike continued
for him,"We got a lot better reception
everywhere else .•
As for the future of these guys,
hopefully they will return to East
Lansing and if they continue playing
the way they did Wednesday, they
might even be returning to play at
=E.~ e~ -NI=~~
~~ a:t+IW
~a11~
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MOVL".J°G SALE:
ONKYO 2:> watt receiver
good condition ... $ 7 5
TECHNICS casse.tte recorder,/
player.;.dbx noise reduction ... $70 ·
TECHNICS compact disc player ...
fresh tune-up ... w/remote ... $110
BOSE 201 direcUreflecting speakers
... still under warranty ... $130
$325 TAKES ALL!
Assorted rock & roll compact
discs: .. $10/disc
Assorted rock & roll cassettes ... $3
per tape
K2 5500 skis w/ SALOMON 747
bindings ... TOP NOTCH ... $275
(2) 14K gold chains, both 18",
(l)herringbone, (1) rope ... $125 for
both
HONDO electric guitar ... with
case ... $100
No Reasonable Offer Refused!
Call Steve at. 351-4626 leave message
the Auditorium instead. of the East
Lansing bars - where the Fun Patrol
is on a constant lookout.
Or as salyer said, 'Who knows,
maybe in a couple years we'll be on
Arista•
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351 -1/.885;"'899
353-0081
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Yovr Campus Connecr1on
Flowers. Plants. Candy and Gd1s
2 15 ANN STREET 15171 332·0871
.· .. ·.·
··.· ·.·.·.
Ji~ffi~-. .J.::::::::::::::::.::::::::k: :x
'Frs ma e
nn~ !EbR :••••••,-1:'1
lpOSSI e fltJ; ~{em;' ..;;J
From MALCONTENT, p. 7
DiB did root canals the most but
he only gave gas to me,
Flat out nitrous
That sucker was simple and plain,
but I passed out the same ...
So it's Mothe(s Day week, what
do you want me to do?
My mother was hard, cold, and
sterile.
Yep, the only thing going for her
was that she could deal with the heat .
Which only makes sense - she was
pyrex!
Ever wonder what football players
do in the off season?
(Here comes the brilliant symetry
in this column):
They have their brains frozen,
only to be reanimated in time for
spring practice ...
Just kidding oxes, I mean, er,
fellahs, YOU'RE BIG AND BEAUTIFUL
AND I WNT TO BE JUST LIKE
YOU WHEN I GROW UP AND THEN ·
GROW UP LOTS MORE ON STER·
OIDS!
'Till next week, like my pal Casey
Chase 'em Jr. (the crack dealer) says:
"Keep you're feet in the stars and your
dreams in the ground."
From DOCSEX, p. 7
park a holy place. Many of us lived
there because we were sick of being
pushed around by a repressive
governement, being sent to fight a
war because none of us wanted to
make money for rich white men.
Twenty years later, it is obvious
that the assholes are, back in force.
Governemnt is in your car, it is in your
bedroom, and from the same
shitheads who brought you VietNam,
we have Grenada, we have Panama,
we have the Stealth Bomber. All in a
world where EAST GERMANY
declares pot legal. What does it mean
when fucking EAST GERMANS have
more freedom than Americans?
It means that we need to take to
the streets in force. Shut it down until
government ,promises to be responsive
to the will of the people. Give us
the freedom we need to make America
great again. I'm off to camp out in
People's Park. POWER TO THE
PEOPLE! BRING THE TROOPS
HOME! MAKE THE DRINKING AGE
18!! CEDARFEST FOREVER!!!
•••••••••••••••••••• : :.• .: :·. : ·.·: ::·. :-:·.·.·.· .· :::-:-: ·::·:-::·:·:·:-:::·.::·>: ·> :·.: ·:-:: >> >>>>>•• :.
1 ltf ff iiilll.•~ :: · fiffgefS. :t/f) cl)egs~p : T:
~ qAW~~%Jllf ·1~! ~
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'Il'•e•i•y
free cover, 50t drafts
Weri•e•i•y
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Free Cover for ladies
35t cocktails for
everyone ti.I 11
'Il'il•ni•y
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Bar Cocktails and Drafts 25t: 9-10
50t: 10-11
75t: 11-12
JFriiayo ••iSahlri•1•
75t cocktails: 8-10:30
.. 1 \ , ....
S••rillllfS
Call Liquor Night
45¢: 9-11
The Silver Dollar Saloon and
Shooter's Pub is located between
Frandor and MSU's campus
Information recording: 351 -2450
9 Ma 1990 university Reporter-Intelligencer •
Reviews T
Guardian comes up short
-.,. The Guardian
~William Fried kin, dir.
The Guardian marks the not so
triumphant return of director, .
William Friedkin to the genre of
horror. Friedkin, who is primarily
known for directing gritty cop films
like The FrenCh Connection and
To Live and Die in LA did direct
the horror classic The Exorcist,
Unfortunately, he couldn't recreate
the same elements that made The
Exorcist a hit.
The Guardian is a half-baked
· attempt at creating an adult splatter
film. The plot centers around a
yuppie couple (played blandly by
former Bond bimbo Carrie Lowell
and newcomer Dwiar Brown) who
hire a nanny to watch over their
newborn son. They expect Mary
Poppins but they get the most
psychotic druid nanny this side of
Stonehenge.
Of course things start out
perfect, not only does she take
care of the baby, but she cooks,
cleans, and does windows too.
But then the nanny (played by
Jenny Seagrove who displays
great acting range by running
around half-naked and haH-enshrouded
by tree bark) starts
getting a little too attached to the
baby. Naturally, the parents think
she's doing a great job until they
realize that she plans to sacrifice
the little tyke to a tree god.
When I saw the previews for
Order ~ faoyfle IPldalnd lmtwth
at
Del's Manufactory
c,~~-e.,l>ecaleteria
al lhe · inl~matlonal center
- HOUM
Moncloy-1)MsdGy
7.30omto 7.QOpm
Fddoy
7 ,30om-4,00pm
Good ReHOHblJ Priced Food
With Thet Little E.tre Cere .
this film. I thought, "Great, finally
someone is making a horror film
that isn't a sequel and doesn't
feature an invincible hockeymasked
killer stalking scantily clad
coeds with miscellaneous garden
equipment."
Oddly enough, The Guardian
featured more gore and more
nudity than the average teenage
stalk'n'slash epic. It also featured
a script that was just as silly as
any Friday the Thirteenth flick,
they just cast adults instead of
teenagers io make you think
you're seeing something more
sophisticated.
Friedkin tries, unsuccessfully ,
to evoke f ellings of suspense and
terror with needless point of view
shots. But when all else fails, he
just throws in buckets of blood. If
Friedkin wanted to make atriumphant
return to the horror genre,
he should have picked a less
sapf)y script.
- FARAN THOMASON
New
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Feature This Week:
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101 E. Grand River
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17 Years as
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\
Entertainment
. :
MSU-bound Illustrator says
skip the PTL Club label
BY 811..L KEITH
uR-1 MUSIC CORRESPON>E'.NT ·
'We had someone call us a rock'n'roll version of
the PTL Club - that's like a knife in the back.
That's part of what we all have to bear; said Kirk
Allen, drummer for Illustrator.
The Washington band will perform at Michigan
State Thursday, May 10 in the Union Ballroom. as
part of their tour in support of their second album,
Somewhere in the World.
Illustrator is a pop-rock band that should appeal
to many people. There is one thing that sets them
apart from most rock bands though - they perform
in a genre known as contemporary Christian music.
The idea of seeing a Chri~tian band may turn some
people off, but it shouldn't.
Unlike many Christian bands, Illustrator deals
with issues that face people today. ·
'We deal with child abuse and sexual abuse;
said Allen. 'We are doing our best to become more
and more straight-forward when we talk about it
(these issues): ' ·
Illustrator's performance will focus on substance
abuse. Drugs and substance abuse are issues that
the band has dealt with on a regular basis. Jim
Benison, President of Gateway Productions, said
that Illustrator's commitment against drugs was
one of the reasons they booked them.
'We sent for information about them and it was
evident that they are really committed to fighting
substance abuse,· said Benison.
· 'When you go to chemicals to release your
inhibitions you're still bound by chains; said Allen.
"More often than not substance abuse is a symptom
of a spiritual problem.·
Even their manager.Ken Gaub, is involved with
the issue of substance abuse. He was recently
appointed to a Presidential Task Force with the
War Against Drugs.
Nonetheless, the performance is sure to entertain
many people. Illustrator has toured all over the
world, including a three week tour of Israel by
invitation from the Israeli government.
Allen said he looks forward to opportunities to
play at universities and that he has enjoyed .the opportunities
to interact with students.
"I see people who are really socially conscious,
which is really neat to see; said Allen. "However,
true change has to come from the heart of every
man and if it doesn't change in the heart of every
man, this world won't change:·
Holy Cow, they're back!
BY ANGIE CAROZZO
· ich then it broke into the meat of the song, which
. so~nded like it had a definite influence by that group
uR-1 ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
The Holy Cows made their return worth the
wait when they came back to East Lansing with
more power and a tighter set than any local band
has ever had.
Gigging at B'Zar May 2, they started their set
with a cover of the Who-song, 'Won't Get Fooled
Again; after which two members of the audience
ran up to the stage and kneeled before them ·in
homage. Rightfully so, as Scott Salyer did a great
Pete Townshend, solos and all.
But the Holy Cows' intensity didn't even begin to
dwindle after that.
They went on to play several original tunes that
shook the place down. The management at B'Zar
didn't seem quite ready for what would follow from
these well-travelled guys from Chelsea, though.
One of the members of the audience, who was
slam dancing -which is not allowed at B'Zar under
any circumstances (even if the circumstances are
being alone on the dance floor) - was escorted out
to the tune of having the shit beat out of him by
bouncers and managers alike. He put up a hell of a
fight, though.
The Holy Cows dedicated their next song to "the
meatheads· who threw the poor kid out. "Get
Along• was probably the best song of the set. It had
an incredible introduction played by John Popovof
·bands that can't quite b0categorized but include
R.E.M., the Replacements, the Smithereens,
Dinosaur Jr., etc.
The vocals. were great with Mike Feeney on
lead vocals and John Popovich adding a contrasting
.flavor on the·back-ups.
Their set went on until John Popovich broke a
string and even then it went on with Mike Popovich
on drums, Feeney on bass and vocals, and Salyer
on lead guitar. They played a cover of Dwight
Yokum's "Smoke Along the Tracks: and yes, it is a
hillbilly song in the purest sense.
That didn't stop these guys though, Salyer was
playin' it like there was no tomorrow and he wanted
to play that hillbilly jive just one more time before the
end. Mike Popovich was sittin' there behind his .
drums just havin' a good ole time, and Feeney -
well, Feeney was singin' it like he was born to.
The Holy Cows closed their set with "Fuck.
School· by the Replacements, which, by the way, is
a definite hardcore tune, meant to be slam-danced
to. But management could be assured that wasn't
going to happen, they had already scared everyone
out of having any real fun.
You probably wonder "If this band is so good,
why haven't they come back to East Lansing in two
See ELSIE, p. 9
-: :-:
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•• • ••• jlif#@k~jl1ell1~@1~~~~;~ . . .. . ........... . .... ··,
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