Creator: Crying Out For Help, Inc

Subjects: Administration, People, Faculty, Students, Campus

Description: Major stories:
Joint Operating Agreement
Hemp Tour 90
Editorials
Dr. Andrew Barclay
Out and About
Reviews - Inside Out "Take You Apart, Put You Back Together"
Entertainment - Laurie Anderson

Date: April 4, 1990

Format: Text/pdf

Original Format: Broadside

Resource Identifier: A006357.pdf

Collection Number: Serial 990

Language: English

Rights Management: Educational use only, no other permissions given. Copyright to this resource is held by Michigan State University and is provided here for educational purposes only. It may not be reproduced or distributed in any format without written permission of the University Archives & Historical Collections, Michigan State University.

Contributing Institution: University Archives & Historical Collections

Relation: Serial 990

Text File: Download (14.88 MB)

Transcript: 4 April 1990
Vol.I
No.19
MSU's alternative
and truly
independent voice
990
What's shakin' :
Dr. Sex treads more
virgin groundl
Insights on racism. p. 7
o Legalization ralliers to return ...
o Groovy editorials .. .
o Geek of the Week .. .
o Columns galore ...
o Comics, Out & About ...
o Laurie Anderson gets raves ...
p.3
p.4
p.5
p. 6-7
p. 9-10
p. 12
MSU papers get JOA
by abe washerman
uR-Snoozing media correspondent
Don't attempt to adjust your set -
what you see before you is really happening.
Negotiations Completed in the
wee-wee hours Tuesday have brought
MSU its first Joint Operating Agreement,
as the uR-1 and State News
merged business operations to form
the uR-Snoozing.
Pu{suan\ \o \\le "\ ~?~ Newspaper
Preservation Act passed by Congress,
the State News filed for the JOA as
the failing paper, despite efforts to
overcome mismanagement and
reader disdain with a recent student .
tax increase.
The uR-1, the oft-scorned and
poorly-edit tabloid rag so many
students have come to (d)read
Wednesday mornings (or afternoons if
they can't get their act together), also
encountered financial difficulties which
PROVOC A POPPA?!
uR-1 executive editor M.L. Elrick congratulates State News Editor-In-Chief John Secor
on making the big time. · - uR-Snoozing photo/RUSSELL "the muscle" YANTIS ·
eventually led to their acceptance of a
JOA, which it enters as the dominant
newspaper.
Under a JOA, papers merge
business operations but maintain
separate - and in this case, unequal
Judge says allegations fail to raise· item
by jerome giggles
uR-Snoozing courts correspondent
LAS VEGAS- Citing a failure to
provide "hard" evidence, 69th U.S. District
Judge Hank M. High threw out a paternity
suit against the Provocateur.
"Based on common sense and expert
medical testimony, the plaintiff has failed
to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that
the defendant did or could have executed
the necessary maneuvers that would
result in the plaintiff's condition," High said,
adding "In fact, I believe it may be years
before the young scoundrel will be up to
the task; if you will."
The decision capped four months of
headlines and court action that began
when Gigg L. Puss (no relation to this
reporter), a Las Vegas show girl who has
been linked to Don Johnson and other
leading men, alleged that the sharptongued
and wily Provoc had certain
relations with her that resulted in her being
with child.
Puss raised the curtain on what was .
to become a media circus. Close on the
heels of a court decision that Donald
Trump would have to surrender all of his
fortune to Boy's Town, as reparations for
besmirching the institution of matrimony in
the Ivana Trump-Marla Maples-Skippy the
See PACIFIED, p. 2
- editorial departments. The arrangement
has worked wonderfully for
the Detroit News and Detroit Free
Press, involved in the country's most
recent JOA. Readers have expressed
no confusion over the new beast and,
in fact, love the heck out of it.
A JOA lasts 1 oo years.
State News Editor-in-Chief John
Secor said he was unhappy that the
paper had to resort to a JOA, but that
he looked forward io the new challenge.
"I'm unhappy that the paper had to
resort to a JOA, but I look forward to
the new challenge," he said.
Al Swartzell, general manager of
the State News, brings his golden
touch to the new entity with more
enthusiasm than he has ever mustered.
"Z," he said.
uR-1 Executive Ego M. L. Elrick
had this to say: "Those other two
guys, I agree with them."
1~1ron~ talii
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Mfr~s§tjryfefonc;~ $Y.~~y, ±110• ·
: n~s JheY. b@i911l l.he people at
M$(J ~h.CI acrcis~ •ihe>iiatic;ri . .
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•::insjders:lh.ttie. at,hlE1t{c ·dep8,rtinent
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matter," Weailefstatedto a> <
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S~e Pt)M.PED/J). 2 ) :
OUT and ABOUT e e e e e e e e e e e e e e .e· e e e e .e e e e e
A. 7: The Suspects A. .
.& EAST .· LANSl·NG - ~~~~~e~~~eandtheChasers .A.DETROIT
b\IJ@IJilSl 'if[}o@Slilll'@ «Dllil [M]~l\D b\~Dil® .. 10-11 : Innocent Persuasion
11.""®ilDllil @~S111il@11 .
~~l]i]i')» . .
Apr. 4-7: The Cherry Orchard
~~~Slit
Apr. 4: Arson Garden with Mondo Cane
11: Anne Be Davis with Sam I Am
IIDM~l}l}@~@I 'if[}o@Slil@IJ'
Apr. 5-29: stage performance of Steel
Magnolias
~DUwcs11 ®®UUS111 ~~U®®llil
Apr. 3-8; McQueen Street
10-15: Raggedy Ann
~llili'lsiUU W>Usi!Jil@il
Apr. ~: Uncle Fester
5: Born Naked
10: Blues Party
'f!//hfJ)fl(J©f/iJ ©@f/iJ fl@fl
Apr.-8: Peter Murphy.with Nine Inch Nails
[M]SlDca©UDcs . .
Apr~ 7: Bop Harvey with Broken Yoyo and
. Ash Can Van Gogh · ·
13: Severed Heqds with MC 900 Ft Jesus
and DJ Zero
'if[}o@ fru0{l(i
Apr. 7: Junkyard with Black Crows
rFsiDN[}QDU@I 'lJ[}o@Slill1@
Apr. 6: Renaud Chamber Orchestra
Apr. 4: Julliard String Quartet (Great Hall)
5: Elmer lseler Singers (Great Hall)
·. 12: Dirty Looks ·
~UQ ~@'.JIJ'CaW©
. @11@@1Jil 00®11'
Apr. 4-7: Toys .
9: Blue Avenue Delegates
10: Capitol City Band
11-14: Toys
~fl'©~@@ ~lfil ©@llilil@lf
6: Qan Seals (Great Hall)
Apr. 8-22: Sonic/Light Video Art: Art on
Video
8:.May:_ Images of ~n Idyllic Past: The
photographs of Edward $.Curtis
11.SllJil@J~[}QS}IJ'!h .
Apr. 4: Ras Shaggai and Liviration
. 6-7: The Blue Front Persuaders
10: Possy Bang .
lruD©!h1 ~
Apr. 4: Bop Harvey
5: Water for the Pool
6: The Dead Beats
·The Clydesdale
SHELl>Oll1 SINC£ VOU'RE
LOW JllJUN 0111 THE
POLE I 1 ELECT vou
TO HELP f"lt GE.T THE
5Tl"AKS FOR TOllliHT'S
DINllC R OUT OF Tl-IE ·
W1'Lk-l'N FRl!.OER.
Pl\PPV ISl\l 1i rT A
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HAS GONE BAO.
t·0~'"Jr- l"IRIUAGE ME NT IS t;ll~ll:-1 GIJT ME Al\IO S C$lAPE !'IV
/ BLU98fR LIKE A HUMP-
.__ BAGI< ED WHAL.E • ..--"\
. Apr. 5: Elvis Hitler with Heretix
6: Big Chief
... I S1
POSE I COULD
RVB l'T OOWl\I WITH
HVDRO~EIV PEROXIDE.
THAT SHOULD QET AID
OF' THE: GERfl\S 1 L ERST
l'IAICE IT E DIBL £,
7: Michael Penn·
13: Alannah Myles
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ANO TAKE: THAT
byJONT
LAST STATEl'IE.IVT ~
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4 April 1990 university Reporter-Intelligencer· 11
Reviews
Band turns Detroit sound . Inside Out on this effort
··:~:~:w Take You Apart, Put
·-:~ You Back Together
Can an all -girl band from Detroit
keep up with the Detroit sound?
Yes! Inside Out surpasses it both
live and on their latest release.
Inside Out's new record, Take
You Apart, Put You Back Together,
takes Detroit rock and puts it in an
entirely new spectrum. While their
sound still has the doom and gloom
beat known so well in Detroit, they've
taken it a step further.
The lead guitar sounds like the
Jesus and Mary Chain with Robyn
Guthrie of the Cocteau Twins
playing the riffs. Lynda Marie, lead
guitarist for Inside Out, gets the most
eerie sound out of a guitar that has
ever come out of Detroit.
The bass, played by Karen Neal,
sounds like Geddy Lee beating the
crap out of his bass (of course Lee
would never have the guts to beat it
like only Neal can). The only way to
describe Neal's bass sound is duggadugga-
dugga.
Cathy Carrell brings it all together
with the strongest drum sound to
come out of a new band since Def
Leppard made their comeback with
their one-armed drummer. The drum
sound is very solid with a lot of power
to back it up.
The overall sound on· Take You
Apart, Put You Back Together is very
strong with Neal's vocals coming out
loud and strong, and Marie's guitar
adding a haunting touch floating off
into a dreamworld of beautiful torture.
"No Outlet" is the song that best represents
the Inside Out sound on this
album.
Other songs to listen for are
"Cliques that Click," "Take Away the
Pain," and "Moral Decline." "Moral
Decline" shows a different side of
Inside Out though, with a guitar part
· that doesn't just have a cool sound -
it's pretty.
Inside Out have figured out the
secret to a cool sound; they just took
the Sub Pop sound for the rhythm
section and added the Cocteau Twins
guitar sound with the haunting feeling
of Bauhaus.
Even though they're an all-girl
band, the Go Go's or the Bangles
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-ANGIE CAROZZO
ecom
uR-1
Is it live or is it Anderson?
Performance artist puts on fabulous one-woman show in Ann Arbor
by ANGIE CAROZZO
uR-1 entertainment editor
ANN ARBOR - A violin fills
the theatre with music so loud you
can feel it. Lights come in and
there's a sillouette of what looks ·
like an old man playing the violin.
Voices start coming in from nowhere
and everyone is wondering,
"Where is she? Where's Laurie
Anderson?"
Then the violinist turns around
and there she is - the old man
playing the violin with the voice of
Laurie Anderson floating out of his
mouth.
Laurie Anderson's Empty
Places performance, which came
to the Michigan Theatre March 10,
was beyond the realm of theatre
today. Anderson constantly
roamed the stage, moving between
several micropl:lones·.
samplers, keyboards, and the
single candle flickering at the front
of the stage.
She was much more personal
in this performance than she has
ever been before. For the first
time, Anderson is pulling away
from the talk/singing that made
"Oh Superman" rise to cult fame.
Her singing voice has been set
loose and it's more beautiful than
anyone could have possibly
imagined.
It was boundless when she
sang "Coolsville ," as if a spirit had
been released and it was celebrating
by grabbing everyone in the
theatre and just shaking them.
Anderson didn't merely perform
the songs f~om her latest
album Strange Angels, though; the
performance was filled with stories
and social commentary.
Anderson describes herself as
a storyteller. To prove it, she told
stories about falling into a manhole,
picketing a Playboy club, and
several other things.
She also gave the audience a:
complete rundown of the national
debt and compared the most
famous politicians to musicians.
She said Hitler was a drummer,
Mussolini was an opera singer,
and Reagan just wants to be
intimate.
"The longer he talks, the more
quiet and intimatehe gets; and he
emphasizes it with lots of long ...
pauses," Anderson explained.
Although she was the only
person to appear on stage, the
performance was filled with a
number of characters including
herself, the bluesy voices that she
referred to as girls, and the voice
that she calls Reagan, also known
as Anderson's baritone alter-ego.
The overall sound was mini- •
mal; there weren't too many things
going on at the same time. But
each thing that did go on de~
manded the audience's full attention.
Empty Places was an audio/
visual menagerie that extended
the senses further than was
thought possible without chemical
assistance. Here, aurie Anderson
has done her best work now
it can only get better
Who the hell is this fellah?
What the hell is it all about?·
Without a doubt, it was the most splendif orous
evening of my lifetime and that of generations
pre- and post-eluding me.
Opening with a resouncfa1g crash, the
perfidious musingF of this modern-day poet
echoed througho'." he vibrant air in the incomparable
MSU· Audi-totally-torium. Clad entirely
in a sheer, shimmering, stunning, entourage of
black clothing and ultimately condusive opaque
footwear, the audience gingerly treaded into
the obfuscated environmentage.
Grooving like the Meat Puppets meat the
illegitimate child of Lawrenc Welk and Frank
Zappa spawn Moon Unit Zappa (who first
garnered my unadulterated attention when I
was a loathsome, loquacious lad), the band
laid down maximum and unequivically hip
supertones.
It was a night to envelope oneself in a
catatonic web of coolness.
Verbosely, the lead singer squandered
~ . .
How can we get rid of him!
scintillions of squeamish thoughts, reminiscent
of the work of little-recognized but not the less
impactf ui and harmonized Peter Shelly. The
scrumpdilli-idous scales lavished upon our
lizard-like loafer-clad livers left us to lounge
langorously.
Lovely, most definitely and definitively, it
P"" Verbosely, the lead singer
squandered scintillions of
squeamish thoughts, reminiscent
of the work or little-recognized
but not the less impactful
and harmonized Peter
·shelly. . ~
was. lndeedy.
Yes, it was a totally hip affair - devoid of
anyone ungrooving, with-it, funkified and ontop-
of-the-scene.
It's too bad you couldn't have been there,
but I was and it was completely crisp and
coagulated.
· ·.·.·.·. ·· ~ .
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2 • university Reporter-Intelligencer 4 April 1990
wanna have fun without the hassle of earning a wage?
then become involved with the uR-11
we are looking fa hard-waking people who are interested in becoming advertising account executives, news
a entertainment correspondents, album/movie/play/ art reviewers, artists. photographers, derivery folk, a
graphic pesigners (must know Pagemaker).
if yer interested, can 351-4899 today ... if you've called in the past and we've haven't gotten back with you, be
patient and keep fryingl
From PACIFIED, p.1
Wonder Poodle love tryst, the story caught
the nation in the bun warmer. And once
the curtain was raised, the glaring,
cleansing, all-knowing spotlight cast by
television cameras revealed what will go
down in th annals of journalistic endeavor
as one of the most sordid stories ever.
Day after day, reports filed in about
the peculiar personal preferences and
peccadilloes of the pun-pounding, foulmouthed
five-year-old, known to dispatch
friend and foe alike as snot-eaters, mucusbreaths,
and buttskermen.
Tales of all-night carousing in a party
van disguised as the Dy-D Diaper Truck,
milk binges that would last for days,
cutting classes at kindergarden and failing
to return Dr. Seuss books on time or in
their original condition (0ne book was
returned with "I will riot eat green eggs or
ham, Son of Sam, or kill my next door
neighbor with poisoned spam, Son of Sam
I am," scribbled on the cover) filled tabloids
and dailies alike all over the world.
Throughout the ordeal, the Provocateur
remained mum, while publicists told
reporters variations on the theme: "He
cannot comment right now, he's having his
nap."
When one exasperated reporter
asked who he was having his nap with,
flustered flakkers cleared the columnist's
opulent East Lansing digs. Donna Rice
was later seen leaving through a rear
entrance.
And Puss, for her part, was no more
savory (unless viewed solely as an object
and not as a functioning, living, thinking
being). Rumors of weekend ski trips with
Pirmin Zurbriggen and the rest of Switzerland
quickly surfaced. Reports of an affair
with the son of television legend Mr. Ed
were never confirmed, and consequently
kept out of the papers -which are always
ethical, fair, kind-hearted, and sensible.
But, with High's decision, the big top
comes down and workers hose down the
remaining elephant patties. The media
looks for another sensational serving-thepublic-
fer-shure story. Life goes on. And
we all must look deep inside and ask
ourself: "Why was a cuss word the first
thing out of the baby's mouth ... "
When you visit a
uR - 1
advertiser's
business, te 11
them you saw
their ad here ...
... in MSU's truly
independent
and alternative
voice:
u
R
I
by TIM SILVERTHORN
and TIM LEPHEW
uR-1 issues correspondents
They're coming back.
The self-styled marijuana "Freedom
Fighters· - who brought East
Lansing's .1naugural legalization rally
last weekend - will return in the fall.
'We'd like to take another Saturday
iri the fall to march to the Capitol;
said Ben Masel, Wisconsin director of
the National Organization For the
Reform of Marijuana Laws, (NORML).
That announcement came after
the university Reporter-Intelligencer
the media, like more than half the
estimated 400 demonstrators, had left.
City Manager Tom Dority, who signed
the rally's permit, said he hadn't been
told that the Hemp Tour '90 would·
return.
This time, Dority gave city assistance
to organize the event, local ·
organizer Jack Wyzywany said, and
Police Chief Tom Hendricks told
police to stay away from the park
unless they were called.
"The first issue invo.lved is the
right to free speech; Dority said.
"That's why we made every effort to
help the organizers just like anybody
else:
"Any group has the privilege to
gather and speak,• he added.
Wyzywany said he·didn't amicipate
any trouble in the fall because .
the city was so cooperative this time
around.
But there are indications the fall
rally will be larger.
Despite little advance notice of the
event this time, hundreds showed up.
See RALLY, p. 8
Warm Noodle
(as in brain)
Trophy winners
To Suzanne Wood and the
Lansing State Journal for fair and
balanced coverage of last
weekend's marijuana legalization
r~ly.
Wood devoted six of her front
page article's nine inches to the
ACTUAL ISSUES. Four inches
went either to the legalizers'
message or to people who agreed
with them.
This is pretty impressive,
. coming from a newspaper that
See NOODLE, p. 8
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!I.I .-Bagel Fragefueli
Resic;fence Halls Sign Up for Fall 1990
DURING SPRING TERM 1990
SIGN UP LOCATIONS WILL BE ANNOUNCED IN EACH RESIDENCE HALL
RESERVE CURRENT ROOM OR APARTMENT
Mon. Aprll 16 and Tue. April 17 8:30 am.·4:30 a.m.
RESERVE ANY UNRESERVED.ROOM IN CURRENT HOUSE
Thu. Aprll 19 8:30 a.m.·4:30 p .m.
RESERVE;D FOR INTERNAL DISPLACEMENTS
Fri. Aprll2o 8:30 a.m.·4:30 p.m ..
RESERVE A DIFFERENT ROOM OR APARTMENT IN OWN HALL
·Mon. April· 23 and Tue. April 24 8:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m.
ON-CAMPUS STUDENTS Planning to change halla
Pick up transfer carda from your current housing clerk
Thu. April 26 8:30 a.m.•4:30 p:m.
· RESERVE ANY UNRESERVED ROOM OR APARTMENT IN ANY HALL
. · Fri. Aprll 27 and Mon. Apr. 30 8:30 a.m.·4:30 p.m.
OFF·CAMPUS STUDENTS AND UNIVERSITY APARTMENTS STUDENTS
. Sign up for Residence Halls on w99. May 2 and Thu. May. 3. . .
Application must first be made and a housing application fee of S2l5 paid at the
Residence Halls Assignments Office, Un·lvarelty Housing Building on Service Road 355·7460
8:30 a.m.·4:30 p.m.
Th• Houalng contrl!'cl la In •Hect lor the enllr• acedemlc year.
Retumlng atudenta muat algn the houalng contract when making a room reaervatlon.
Spring-term graduate• a~e ellglble to reserve a apace In Owen Graduate Center.
Roommate requeata:
On-campua roommate requeata muat have paperw'ork completed by May. 1 !5.
Roommate cholcea ol atudenta currently living oH campua or new to the Unlveralty will be honored fl their
hoμelng application a are on Ille In the Reeldence Halla Aaalgnm~nta Office by May 1 !5.
Cancel/Ing a reserratlon aulomatlcally cancels any roommate requesL
Voluntary trlplee cannot be reaerved during sign-up.
Space cannot be reserved In more than one hall. Appllcanta may make a change after ~ncelllng tne first reaervatlon In. peraon.'
Buying, ••lllng or algnlng over houelng space Is • violation of the houelng contract and the University re-rV••
the right to cancel any reaervatlons made In this manner. .
Cancellatlon• of fall term reHrv•tlon• and conll'llct• muat be made llr Au9. 1. Student• that do net cancel thslr reaervatlona
lltJ Uull dale and enroll for cl•H•• •Ill be fl"9ncl•llr re•Pon•lbla acoonllne to the ••rm• of Iha hou•ln9 oenlaot. · ·
r ~ mRll' "**------~tllllMl- ..... ,
1 1/4 lb. Turkey
1
; Sandwich, 1
g fragel, I
~ medium pop, and I
: bagel chips :
: .$3.85 :
\.. 'exn.Anril l l.~J990 I
...._ _ 11Jl\W6,-.-'tiitfii- - - - - _.,,,, rllllllllWlllMM:- ................ _. ... ,
·2 Fragels
& ~ i Small Coffee :
I I $1.-QQ I
I ~ ~ i exp.April 11, 1990 . i
I'. '-ftll-ift~- \W-@-@f-uQ-© -©w@-~~-l:-\.®-IB-~ '.
. Does MSU's Athletic Program
Have a Steroid Problem?
a. Yes. Hercules.
b. No. Pencilneck
c. Mandarich just.eats his
Wheaties.
d. If there was. we'd have won
the Big 10.
To obtain a Bagel· ballot. redeem
one of the above coupons. Watch
for a new coupon and. question next l
week.
• , . •
Extend -abortion rights to· gun-car.
crying homosexual victims of incest
. '
who have artificial limbs, hate· the
ACL.U, like Milli Vanilli and.smoke
hemp casually and only on week-
. . ·ends in which the Friday begin-$
with a prime number
We are really stinking mad
about what the doody-heads
that run the world have been
doing. ·
And this time, we can't sit
still" anymore.
Yes, it's time that abortion
- outlawed except to those rich
enough to bribe some low
public official - by the 30th
Amendment to the U.S. Con.
stiution, be made legally available
to gun-carrying homosexual
victims of incest who have
artificial limbs·, hate the ACLU,
like Milli Vanilli and smoke
hemp casually and only on
weekends in which the Friday
begins with a prime number
(united under the banner of the
GCHVOIWHALHTACLULMVASHCAOOWIWTFBWAPN),
such
as Friday the 3rd. ·
Harumph.
And, of course, with the
. power of-this newspaper's
editorial weight behind this
·issue, we are sure everyone will
see how wrong they are and
immediately (and without
pause, too) change this poopbrain
law.
Certainly, this ever-expanding
group has rights that should
be ignored, neglected, trampled
and revoked whenever possible.
But abortion is not one of
those rights.
Neither is giving more than a
. 15 p~rcent tip at certain restaurants
that serve buffets of
brailled spam to blind people,
telling.them it's really quiche
·1orraine gone just a little bit past
the best-sold-after date.
But that's for another day.
For now, all we want - in
addition to a fourth world war
that will shift the balance of
power from the Exhaulted arid
Powerful Donald Trump-Marla
Maples Unitary Force ·
(E&PDTMMUF) to the Ivana ·
Trump-Some Guy With Hair On
His Back Liberation For White
Rich People Who Don··t Fart
and Blame It On The Dog Army
(ITSGWHOHBLFWRPWDF&
BIOTDA); a new set
of teenage mutant ninja turtles;'
and oatmeal that isn't the right
thing to do - is abortion rights
for those guys we mentioned
above but have too long a:
name or acronym to bother .
repeating for fear of taking up
even more space in the ever-
. dwindling newshole of this
paperwhich is distributed free
of charge Wednesdays throughout
MSU's campus and it's
environs. So there.
(TGWMABHTLANOATBRFFOTUEMSITEDNOTPWIDFOCWTMC&
IE.ST)
A few words· on ·future bash.ing. (hash-style)
Nothing like thinking ahead, like one bloke who showed at the legalize. fatty rally last
week.
Allen R. Pyle (no relation tq Gomer), an MSU junior, said: "-If we do this for 17 years
if1 a row, we would have something like the Madison Harvest Festival, which brings
about 20,000 people." ,
For the sake of those who enjoyed the rally, maybe it shoald be kept illegal for 17
more years. ~ In any case, if 20,000 people ever show up to blow smoke in the City
Council's back40, they'll probably legalize it just to get rid of them.
the
university
Reporter-Intelligencer
4 April, 1990
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . - . . . . - . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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the ilfl·l is pu/:11i$hed weekly•..
·••••••••.affrtatsfribiit~• .. •.•·• free ·ot•.
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r4 A-p. ~r-il -19-9-0- ----:. university Reporter-Intelligencer-· 5 ~------·------:--------------, ReaderResponseCard - :
Yes, it's back, the prefabricated praise or hate vehicle you can send to us when you get
the urge to purge those thoughts provoked by the uR-1. We welcome your input, and will
print everything we receive - as long as it is signed and doesn't say too many bad
things about us.
So get it off your chest, Clem ... fill this thang out and let us know what's o n your mind!
NOW GET CRACKING OR START PACKING!!!
I
I
I
I
·I
I ----------------------------------------------------------------------. love, I
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~- · L · · · · vour name I
------------~------------ -------·---~
On your way out, Doug?
Getting lots of going-away kudos and awards?
2 April 1990
Dear viewers:
Shortly before break, we
received several letters regarding
Dr. Andrew
Barclay's column about
rape, entitled "Honest
dialogue key to ending ·
rape."
Next week, we will print
your letters and I will respond
to some of the
issues raised by Dr.
Barclay's column.
I hope you will wait u.ntil
then with an open mind
and fresh pen and paper
to let us know what other
concerns you have about
your paper.
We thank all of you for
your input and Y.OUr pai,~
j)/f M_ _
- M.L. Elrick
editor
Well, gratefully accept one more accolade - Geek 'o the Week dishonors.
Yes, your boy George (a steroid, steroid, steroid chameleon) is taking-a lot of heat for
what's going on with the football program and steroids and all, but who was supposed
to oversee him?
Who was supposed to be in charge?
Who was supposed to be keeping all the sheep in the flock instead of the sheep dip in
the papers?
YOU, Doug!
D~? .
Well, we hope you keep on digging till the hole reaches six feet.
Sayonara, Doug - and good riddance.
• university Reporter-Intelligencer 4 April 1990·
Pvt.
Francis
K.
Snodgrass
From the Desk of:
Francis K. Snodgrass
Private, First Class (Retired)
United States Marine Corps
God made me, but Sgt. Mac tried to.
Yes, I learned a lot of things about what it
means to be a man as a Marine stationed in the
Arctic Circle under Sgt. Mac. It wasn't just the drills .
and the discipline - no, I think the greatest single
lesson about manhood came from the way Sarge
handled the whole Pezerini Long John Affair.
You see, Pezerini's foot locker·got broken into
one night while everybody was at mess, and his
long johns got taken. Even though Sarge had
whipped us into hardened Marines, the extra
protection was a must for our extended maneuvers
into Soviet territory in temperatures thousands of
degrees below zero. We fought the Cold War like
no one else did. So, understandably, Pezerini was
very upset; Sarge, infuriated at this lack of discipline,
ordered the men to the barracks.
"My long a-johns, she's a-gone,· Pezerini
whined to Sarge. "Atsa no good. All a-the time, I'm
a-colt.·
"Shut up. I'll get to the bottom of this," Sarge
growled through his gas mask. "Any of you ladies
want to step forward now and save us a little
trouble?"
Nadine
Hascenez
la~llllll'lt•l•I
They don't call it the pit" for nothing.
Entering that incarnation of Hell, countless of
the unfortunate mass each term in an endeavor to
fill their schedules. Like lemmings, they trudge into
IM West to wage war against each other for the
precious few classes available, thereby forming the
lines that inevitably pile up at registration and reach
out to the IM East.
Too often the disoriented are herded into the pit;
lingering from gym to gym amidst the smell of
unwashed jocks and unwashed straps.
Stranded like lost souls in purgatory.
But there is little hope of salvation here. Ascension
to Heaven has been reserved for the pious and
the progeny of those in high places.
Normal folk find themselves moving aimlessly
through a maze capable of befuddling the most
Sergeant Mac is a sissy
No one even looked up to meet Sarge's burning
eyes as he went from man to man. The only sound
in the barracks was the rhythmic Darth Vader hiss of
his oxygen supply and his measured step on the
spit-shined floor.
'Well, girls, you know what t~ at means," he
barked. "Everybody drop your drawers and open
them footlockers. MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!"
We exchanged nervous giances as snaps and
zippers came undone. One thing was sure -
Sarge was gonna bust some gu~ to hell and back.
He started with the footlockers, then poked
around at each guy to see whether he was wearing
one pair of Regulation Issue 11 A Long Johns - or
two.
I tensed up as I heard him rip into Thornhump
for having a battered old copy of "JUGGS" hidden
under his toiletries. Punishment was swift and
harsh: exposure to the Arctic winds in his bath
towel until his' heart stopped. He would be revived
later, of course, if he was strong enough - but
nevertheless I hoped I could avoid a similar fate.
Thankfully, my inspection went without incident.
I breathed a sigh of relief as he continued his
pattern of poking and prodding, insulting and
humiliating, until all the guys were either cleanly
inspected or out taking a walk in their bath towel.
But the culprit had not been found.
Sarge was really shaken up. The old gas mask
was beyond being just steamed up - it looked like
a greenhouse in there. He had never been handed
such a heinou.s defeat...was he just angry or ... was
he hiding something? The same thought seemed to
occur to all of us at once.
Pezerini and Sarge were staring each other
down.
"You! Pizza Man!" Sarge bellowed. "You got
anything to say?"
"I'm a-shut up," Pezerini mumbled.
"I think you got something to say," persisted
Sarge. "I think you think I got 'em. Well, I don't,
see?"
And in a matter of moments, Sarge was down to
a pair of briefs and his gas mask.
Sarge, you see, never believed we should have
long johns to begin with, and frequently led us on
maneuvers in bermuda shorts and a tank top to
prove it. Anyway, we were satisfied that Sarge was
OK ... except there was something weird about those
briefs (besides the small lump in the back of them).
Carefui examination revealed the weirdness:
The "STAR WARS" logo was printed on the elastic
band that encircled his sagging belly.
Tantalizingly, X-Wing fighters swooped in from
each hip, and the fearsome visage of Darth Vader
glowered up at us from his yellowed groin. As he
walked past us. we also recognized the golden
features of C3PO on each buttock, and the enigmatic
R202 stylish ly and discretely adorned the
space between.
Any ordinary man would have been bitterly embarrassed,
I think. But Sarge was more than an extraordinary
man; he was more than an extraordinary
Marine.
If his face was red, you wouldn't have known it
from that black mask of steel and iron. He looked
just as strong - maybe even stronger - in his Star
Wars underpants than he did bashing in the skulls
of the Iron Curtain-sympathizing baby seals on the
shore of the Arctic Ocean.
Sure, he never found Pezerini's stuff, but Sgt.
Mac is a man's man - and a man I can call "hero".
Snodgrass, awarded the golden tutu by Sgt.
Mac in a tender ceremony back in the frozen
tundra, is an infrequent contributor to the uR-1.
In fact, if the cops had got here sooner he
wouldn't be contributing at all ...
What was that abou( cherries ...
celebrated funhouse masters. Students are left
feeling like the puzzle solving gerbil in "Flowers for
Algernon.·
Only this time there is no piece of cheese
wating at the end of the line - just a piecemeal
schedule filled with courses like "Giants of Pygmy
Literature" and "Mast~rpieces and Legends of
Scatology.·
Good time to start digging metalurgy, and yet, it
will never end:
Every year it is the same battle against the
scheduling computer: You against the Terminator;
"It has no emotion. It feels no pity, no remorse.
It will not stop until you are dead."
Dead from exhaustion and frustration, that is.
Scholars believe the pit is the last relic of a druid
sect that migrated to the New World. Their goal
was to sugjugate and punish the educated.
To this end, virgin scholars were sent to the pit
to languish and suffer a painful death due to frustration.
The only modification in the pit since its
inception is that non-virgins are now admitted.
Undeniably a quantum leap forward.
But, we have been told, there is hope. A new
computer system is on the way.
Unfortunately, this system has been long
promised and has an estimated time of arrival
paralleling that of Christ.
It seems the administration's soft spot for
tradition has left us mired in the undercurrents and
muck of the pit.
There is no escape.
There is no hope.
There is no tomorrow.
We are doomed to forever go from table to table
asking for classes that have been closed since the
early 70s. Reduced to begging grads and professors
clad in corduroy jackets with leather elbow
patches if there is any way one more desk can be
squeezed into a classroom. Afterall, it's not as if
there weren't 5,000 people enrolled in it already.
And where does that leave us?
B102 Wells is being packed to over capacity.
There aren't enough overheads to go around. We
now have T As that don't even speak a language
known on this earth.
How can this be changed?
Who has the solution?
What can be done?
Apparently nothing. We must resign ourselves
to the fate set down years ago by some demented
Marquis de Spartan.
But whoever invented the pit has at least one
thing in common with those who endure it each term
- no class.
Hascenez (fromerly M. L Elrick) is executive
editor of the uR-1, and one who has learned his lesson
about making bets in Pennsylvania bars and about
what to use·as your byline if you lose the bet .••
4 April 1990 university Reporter-Intelligencer· 7:_
Dr.Andrew
Barclay I ; 1 1 ; ; ;; I
Dr. Sex says:·
Take A Pig Out
to Lunch
You know, this whole Andy Rooney
flap has showed us that racism and
sexism lies at the core of American
culture. Many otherwise intelligent people
at MSU believe we can il'fl>8.Cl the masses
by educating them to change their
"prejudices" which will solve the problem of
racism. Nothing could be further from the
truth.
To be sure, people finally realized that
tacking a sign on a student's door saying
"Nigger go home; is unacceptable
behavior but this is only a superficial
manifestation of a deeper problem. The
recent uproar over having Rev. Farrakhan
speak on campus shows how divied we
are and how little these divisions have
healed since Gunnar Myrc~ahl published
his classic investigative work, An American
Dilemma, in 1939.
At the risk of being branded an
apologist for whites, let me say that I don't
mind anti-Semetism, particularly on the
part of white Americans, because it lets
me know I am alive, that I am real, and
that I actually exist. I have to admit,
though, I have felt very uncomfortable
around rude and ignorant goyim making
ad hominum remarks about people like
me. Usually these circumstances provide
me with an excuse to loose my tongue,
severely mocking those present who are
obviously jealous of my circumcised sex
organ as well as my ability to attract "their"
women.
(I don't know about the rest of you
circumcised guys, but it is beyond me how
my mother thought cUtting 3/8 of an inch
off the end of my cock was going to hep
my life. Maybe I will write a column about
how this vile and violent action directed
against innocent male babies might have
something to do with our attitudes. Nah,
everyone would say I was blaming women
for rape and the feminists would be pissed
at me. As usual.)
But I digress. When I spoke up, and
those present realized I was one of the
"prohibited" people on their list, two or
three big guys would toss me out. I
always felt better after being ejected,
though, because I have. no desire to be a
member of a group so unexclusive they
would accept me or a group so insecure
they had to find a basis to reject those who
are different. When we're talking insecurity,
we are approaching the real source of
racism or sexism-personality disorder.
Oh, y6u can tell me that racist bullshit as
an economic or an historical basis, and, of
course, you are right, but if it were only a
matter of economics or prejudice, we
would have overcome by now. It cuts
much closer to the bone, if you get my
drift, and the projective nature of the
disorder is what gives it that uniqu,,
American quality.
Andy Rooney had to be made a
scapegoat to distract people from the fact
that there are NO blacks in the upper
echelons of CBS, no women, nobody but
right white guys running the show.
Sexploitation and violence are their
standard fare, bread and circuses designed
to distract the masses from how
shitty life in American feels today.
When Nancy tells us to say ·No1·: she
is espousing a central core of her white
culture, emotional control. (This explains
why we refer to our feelings or sexual
impulses as our •dark side," and not as our
"human• side.) Unfortunately for us,
controlled feelings do not just "go away;
they are repressed, forced into the
unconscious where they develop the
potency to disrupt more desirable behaviors.
When Emmet Till was lynched, the
men who instigated the violence said they
were angered by the way he looked at
their wives. He looked at the women in
such a way that they could read what was
on hi.s mind, they could tell he wanted their
women, and they felt he was so blatantly
sexual, they had to do something about it.
So they lynched him.
Quite frankly, I didn't get it. I am a
psychologist and I have never, ever been
able to read someone's mind like that.
How did these ignorant men "read his
mind?" Don't be stupid, they didn't read
his mind, they projectedtheir repressed
sexual feelings onto this poor man. He
didn't want to fuck their uptight spouses,
they did but couldn't admit it so they
projected all their shit onto an innocent
black man. He had to die so they could
live, a black Christ reincarnate.
Unlike Jesus, though, he didn't ask for
the role and neither do the thousands of
other blacks and women who are the
rec~ients of unwanted projected impulses.
The system works well for those on top
because they can get rid of their garbage
by du111>ing it on women or "people of
color.• The same system that dufll>S shit
in our clean waterways, that is killing the
ocean for profit, and bu ming a hole in the
upper atmosphere makes itseH feel good
by stealing the good characteristics of
others for themselves and replacing those
strengths with the shit they are dumping.
Niggers are an American invention,
they don't really exist except in the
unconscious perceptions of insecure
whites. We exported the concept to
Germany in the 30s. The super-race had
• no black people to feel superior to so they
had to tum Jews into niggers until they
could conquer the rest of Europe. Their
next step was to get rid of the darker
types, like Jews and Gypsies, so their
women, the actual basis of white Aryan
purity, could not be polluted, they were
protecting racial purity just as Emmet Till's
murders were. (As a payment for our
exporting the concept of niggers, the Hitler
government paid us back by sending us
the Great White Hope of the day, the Big
Lie technique, which is still working for the
white power structure today).
Hey, let's get some basic biological
facts out in the open. H God really wanted
white to be the ultimate color of the human
race, why would all this projectionist
bullshit be happening? No matter whether
the people who were getting it on were
black. green, yellow, or purple, the baby
would come out white. But when an
interracial couple has a baby, what color
goes away? All you need is a single black
grandparent and what color is going to
show up for generations? Yes II No
wonder whites are so insecure, no wonder
they had worked so hard to prevent racial
mixing.
The good news is: Because we learn
racism and sexism at our mother's knee,
because racism is as American as apple.
pie, we can use our racist and sexist
feelings to provide giant orgasms. Try it
out, see if crossing over doesn't do a
number to your head ~hat makes your
orgasm rruch better. Women, try getting it
on with the most outrageously chauvanistic
pig you know and you will come like you
have never come before. Yoo can always
dump him really hard to make yourself feel
better, eh?? Try interracial dating,
expecially if you come from an horrendously
intolerantfamily, to find orgasmic
experiences that will blow more than your
socks off.
Because racism and sexism are
disorders of the personality or character
that are deeply ingrained in American
culture, it will take many generations (" .••
unto the seventh generation" the Bible
says) to work these kinks out of our
collective psyches. Until we can get rid of
this crap in our everyday life, let's use it to
have fun with.
New noggin', same naggin'
Seems that before break, most MSU dorms had
some problems with their water in their toilets and their
sinks. The water looked like a very light yellow color. Oh,
must've been drug testing week for the athletes.
. Wow, what's next, "MacWrite for Hank Gathers •• ."
... Here come the letters •..
• .. if you can write, that is.
the
Provocateur
Speaking of athletes, I'm sure you've heard the
horrible manner which MSU exited the NCAA basketball
tournament this year, what with the controversial basket
after time had expired in regulation and all.
You know, they could have averted this tragedy if
they had some way of telling people time is up. Like
maybe a really loud buzzer and a big red light behind
each backboard.
And another thing, what's. this crap about April Fool's
week? At MSU fools abound.
Oh, you can't have helped but notice the crazy new
look I'm sporting, but with all the media and lawyers still
crawling around from the laysuit, er, lawsuit, I figured it
was best to keep a low profile.
Heidi-the-Ho, Spa.rTan people! How was
your spring break? Min• sucked, and for the
rest of you buttfaces who wasted good cash to
go to Rorida, you can kiss my baby's bottom
(don't get It? That shouldn't be a IHIW experience
for you, but read the front page story for
any chance at comprehension). All this talc and
no flay is making my rapier wit a dull one. So
take this and it stinks to have you bac/c._
Nah .•.
Not that there were any losers this break in MSU
sports (right), but ain't it a shame thatthe Spartan Hockey
team lost to BU in the NCAA hockey quarterfinals.
I heard Kip Miller telling his friends thatthe Terriers,
"all had bad breath, panted alot, and often shoved their
faces into any stranger's crotch."
Nuffsaid, Kipster.
Hey, those geeks who run the co111>uter center really
have a wit. Such a flair. The other day, after a game of
MacRisk, one of them calls out "Laserprinter for Jimi
Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix."
Believe that?
Here's the real poop: Those steroids I was on •.• well,
don't believe the hype-there are side effects, dammit I
Got something for the ole Provoc, your
weekly bite In the ass? Send It to the uR-l's
executive offices on Gunson Street, 142 university
Reporter-Intelligencer Plaza, East Lansing,
addressed Care Of: SCORN.
All submissions become our property and
will be used In case ~· run out of toilet paper
again.
un1vers1 y eporter- ntelligencer 4 A ril 1990
Jf:tt>mNPQQLJ;}p~ a:: : < ·.·. · ...... <<<< << <<<<·>: <<<<<<<<-::: :::::::::::::::::::::: ::::: ::: ....
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\;~•u•m• - ~ · ~~..;,;7~,.a;;;.•••h••rnumnOoO
df ~ fl 111€!,.A...o?
Let Us Help You Out-Come To:
Gary's Campus
Hair Salon
WOO Uni-sex hair styling
'/it?d,~f;eL~~·
351-6511 549 E. Grand River
(nexi to Corfection Connection)
From RALLY, p. 3
With more advertising, there could be
much higher attendance In the fall.
Also, with over 30 shots on the
evening news of people toking in the
park, the issue of smoking herb in
public is bound to cause a stir.
Especially since many shown
smoking looked like teenagers.
"I was very disappointed to see so
many people smoking on the news
(coverage of the rally)," Dority said.
Of any action the city might take .in
the fall, he said: 'We had enough laws
about marijuana to control any situation
that occurs in the parks, and I
would assume we would rely on
those.
. 'We will need to talk to Jack about
this - and if illegal smoking is going
on, we will be there to write tickets for
it."
No tickets were issued for possession
of drugs at the rally last weekend.
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